Saturday, April 4, 2015

I may do a lot of stupid shit...

It's been 8 months since my last post and I've been living my life. I've been having a lot of amazing times with some fabulous people. I've enjoyed my life and completely slacked off on tending to this blog. There have been so many good moments that are just too much to share. However, with the good also comes the bad. I've unfortunately experienced some not so great moments as well.

I apologize for my absence. I honestly thought that I was done with the blog. It had a good run and it was fun while it lasted but it started to take a toll on me. But something lead me back. I've had a rough couple of days and I feel like this is my place to come to when I need to get something off my chest. My safe place. So, here I am.

If you're wondering what lead me back here, I think it can be summed up in one word, loss.
I've lost something, someone actually, and have a heavy heart. Yes.... this is a man I'm talking about.

He entered my life as a friend about 9 years ago. He supposedly always had a crush on me (so he says). We lost contact over the years and had a few missed connections but a few months ago he came back. Totally took me by surprise. I wasn't sure if it was a rekindled friendship or something more. Then sparks began to fly. I was hesitant at first. There were so many red flags that we both stopped counting. I just knew that I still wanted to be around him. He made me laugh, made me feel special, made me feel wanted, made me feel comfortable and dare I say safe (which is something that rarely happens with me). He was becoming one of my best friends with the bonus of amazing physical chemistry and connection. Then he broke my heart.

I'm not exactly sure what went wrong. But I know we crashed and went down in flames. And that it sucks. The hard part is not knowing what the fuck happened. Communication failure for sure. He has issues and isn't perfect. I know I'm no angel. I can be difficult. I don't trust a lot of people. I can put my foot in my mouth and I can overreact and analyze every little thing. I can be whiney and cranky. I'm hesitant to try new things but at least I try.

My heart is full and I mean well. I smile while falling on my face and laugh when I pick myself up. I'm not perfect. I can admit my faults and say 'I'm sorry' when I'm wrong or even when I don't think I'm wrong but I know that I have somehow hurt the ones that I care about.

I guess I just don't know how to turn it off. How am I not supposed to check my phone to see if he's called or texted? How am I not supposed to wonder how the meeting with the boss went? How am I not supposed to think about him when I hear certain songs? How am I supposed to just stop watching 'our shows'? How am I supposed to not think of him when someone says something that reminds me of one of our inside jokes? How am I supposed to just forget about him?

I honestly don't know "How" or "Why" a lot of things right now but I do know that I'm sad and I feel the loss. And that's ok. It just means that I care.

                                                Until next time. XOXO

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