Matt* (Not his real name) and I chatted it up for a few days via a dating site. His pictures were very cute and he seemed to meet the standard requirements that my last date was lacking, so I agreed to grab a drink with him at a wine bar in the valley.
I arrived at the bar and grabbed a table. I ordered myself a glass of pinot and texted Matt that I was inside seated against the wall where the windows are in the bar. It's a really small joint, maybe 12 tables tops. There were only about 3 other people in the bar. I'm easy to spot. Shouldn't be hard to pick me out of the er crowd!
Matt arrives 5 minutes later and walks in looking very frantic. He can't seem to find me. It's apparently a where's Waldo situation. Panicked, Matt walks back outside and proceeds to call me. Keep in mind, I am seated RIGHT by the window so I saw this scenario go down from all possible angles. Feeling like a guide dog leading the blind, I calmly gave him directions as how to reenter the bar and walk towards the wall with windows. A good 6 paces later, he found me!
My first impression of Matt is that he looks true to his pictures and is very good-looking but doesn't seem to be the sharpest tool in the shed. Matt sits down and looks at the drink menu. He shouts "$9 for a beer?!" At this point I say nothing. I am not sure if Matt has turrets or if this is some sort of drinking game. Yes, it is $9 for a beer. He picked the bar....
After Matt gets his $9 beer, he starts to relax a little bit. He reminds me that he's 27, that's 4 years younger than me. He asks if that bothers me. I told him it didn't until this moment in time where he reminded me of the age difference. I ask if it bothers him. Matt assures me he always dates "older women". I tell him that "I am starting to feel somewhat like Mrs. Robinson". Matt doesn't know who Mrs. Robinson is. This disturbs me greatly.
I change the topic and ask Matt how his day was. You wouldn't believe the hard day that Matt had dog sitting for his boss. Apparently throwing a ball for a dog was the hardest thing he's had to do all week. It was making him stressed out. He proceeded to tell me that he can't sit still and that he needs to get up and look around. Along with turrets, I begin to wonder if Matt also has A.D.D. While I'm pondering his medical diagnosis, he tells me about 5 times that he doesn't like facing the wall. I start to feel bad, and wonder if he had some sort of traumatizing timeout facing the wall situation as a child. I am however in front of the wall, talking to him, in a corner, and everybody knows Nobody puts baby in a corner, so I quickly dismiss my idea of switching seats with him and add O.C.D. to the list. I order another glass of Pinot.
Things start to get interesting by the second glass of wine. Matt goes to order a harder drink but the waitress kindly tells him "this is a beer and wine bar, we don't have vodka". "What about Rum?" Matt asks. "No Rum either, this is a beer and wine bar" the waitress repeats. "Oh. I'll stick with another $9 beer" mutters Matt. I start to wonder how much allowance money he has with him. Again folks, he picked the bar...
Luckily our food quickly comes and we pretty much sit in silence while we eat. I feel like a parent who finally gets a moment of peace due to their child's distraction with what's on his plate. Matt decides he wants to order a giant lava cake for dessert. I am not one to shyaway from dessert nor discourage others from getting their eat on, so I tell him to go for it. When the dessert comes, Matt insists on taking selfies of us with the lava cake. He makes the server take several photos of us, all of which I look completely mortified in.
Check please! After drinking 3 glasses of water and watching Matt spill the lava cake on himself, I am good and sober and ready to go.
As we exit the bar, Matt asks if I'd like to grab a drink at another bar. It's "11:30, I'm super tired" I tell him. "Ok, I'm going to get an uber and head out to another bar" he tells me. "Be safe" I say while watching him leave, like a baby bird taking first flight. I left the bar hoping that Matt would be successful in "making his dreams come true" aka finding a beer under $9 or some hard alcohol.
About a week later, I got a text from Matt asking me out again. I turned him down. He was very sweet and meant well, but 27 IS 4 years younger than me and the differences are crystal clear. That's why I am still taking my birth control.
Until next time! XOXO